11/20/2023 0 Comments A termite walks into a barThe state trooper notices something odd in the man’s back seat. One is against the law, and the other is a sick bird (ill eagle).Ī man is driving down the interstate in California and passes a state trooper. What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? It started the day we were married.”Ī skeleton walks into the bar and orders a beer and a mop. The other men said doubtfully, “Oh, sure.”Īnd the man said, “Seriously. One man said he had, over the years, only one argument with his wife. and left it there all night.Ī group of men were talking about how many arguments they had had with their wives. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. She emphatically told Henry (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0 today.īut if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.īased on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink beer and recycle. If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today. If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. She brought the box back into the house, opened it and found. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Ĭonfused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway. The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds, and it BETTER be there!” “How can that be?” The Devil demands to know.īob forgot his wedding anniversary. Jesus continues to smile as his computer comes back to life, and he says, “No.” “How can you smile when you’ve just lost power to your computer? Won’t you have to start over like me?” The Devil says. Jesus also lost power to His computer, but he smiles as he reboots his system. But Jesus remains calm as He works through the problem.įinally, just when it appears The Devil is about to crack the solution, he loses the power to his computer - and loses all of his work. So Jesus and The Devil both sit down at their computers and read through a long, detailed task that requires both to use multiple calculations, searching for and downloading the proper computer programs, and even writing a little software to find a workable solution.Īnd as they’re computing, The Devil is clearly working hard - the sweat rolls off his forehead, his fingers get blisters from all of his fast typing. “Whomever can figure out this problem while using computer programs will win.” The Devil finally thinks he has a way to defeat Jesus: a computing duel. The grasshopper replies, “What? You’ve got a drink named Steve?” The bartender looks up and says “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” He walks over to the counter and sits down. Compiled by The State Journal-Register staffĪ grasshopper walks into a bar. Nearly everyone claimed they couldn’t take credit for writing them - and in all but a couple of cases, we can’t verify who crafted these pieces of hilarity - but we sure appreciate everyone passing them along. Thanks to Katie Zarack, Chuck Tisckos, Paula Antonacci, Doug Barringer, Joyce Bucklin, Alexis Sturm, Kevin Seiders, Bud Price, Joel Sander, Craig Ewing, Bob Wells, Darryl E. We received story jokes, riddles, variations on “A guy walks into a bar,” and some jokes that are so short, you couldn’t possibly mess up the punch line. That’s why we asked readers to send in their favorite clean jokes. You don’t want to be caught without something to make other people smile. Central Illinois has plenty of people who know a good joke when they hear one.īut what if you don’t? April Fool’s Day is coming.
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